iheldyoucloser

There are many things in life that lift your heart far into the stars. When you meet someone new, and they open up to you about something really fucking tough. When someone touches you and you can feel the energy spilling, just spilling like water from the Cascades Falls, of their admiration, their desire for you, like they're trying to capture how you feel and keep it in their pocket for when the nights get too dark and cold. When your friend that's been crying for far too many nights with their heart broken into shards on the floor, just like the broken wine bottles sprawled out on your kitchen floor, starts to smile again. And then you sto

I don't want to be draped on billboards,                                     pictures,                                               museums,                                                         your living room wall. I want to be in thoughts, the distorted and the normal, penciled on napkins, memories stored in your old shoebox, for safe keep,                                             safe keeping. I don't want to be the object, the statue in your frozen eyes. I want to be the emotion, the passion, the thought that makes you want to wake up at dawn instead of fall asleep at dusk. Take my body out of your gaze, and take my sou

as i get older, less things feel free. but some things remain constant. like the way fresh winter air feels, and the way snow makes everything seem innocent. like the way my fingertips look right when the sun falls - feeling as if i am perfect, if only the tips of my fingers. like the way evening feels, driving aimlessly, listening to someone strum guitar, sipping a fresh espresso. like the unconditional love from children, animals, all the things we stain with our selfish desires. happiness seems fleeting, but it is there. it is there. it is. my heart may feel out of my body, but my soul seems to be floating everywhere. and some synap

do you know what a mental illness feels like? it feels like the saddest song ever written without the comfort. it feels like pure darkness without the silence. it feels like loneliness without knowing who exactly you are. it feels like clawing at your skin without the release. it feels like a constant battle between two brains, two minds, a yin and a yang. it feels like wearing an invisibility cloak without the glamour. it feels like emptiness. and confusion. and hopelessness. but do you know what a heartbeat feels like? hope, with all the love in the world.

i remember when my friend held my hand and told me: "i am so sorry that they broke you." but no one broke me. they only bent me. they bent me into horrowing positions and distanced my touch my eyes my heart. you are mending me. with cups of coffee on the table, you have made my eyes buoyant again. you kissed me as if the stars were falling in the middle of a chilly night, and you held me closer than anyone ever has. and i let you. i used to say all the time that my thoughts were in the stars. now the only thing that's in the stars is my heart, cause you lift me up. long drives and endless nights, your voice is the only thing i ever want o

not smart enough. i can't even tell you the rationale behind my every movement. not pretty enough. i can't even match. not warm enough. i can't even stand outside without the breeze chilling my heart. not bold enough. i can't even speak up. not thin enough. i can't even look in the mirror. i'm inadequate.

And I like my nail polish chipped, just as the wood on my old classical guitar. They say that makes me lost and weary, but you could have known that by the way my eyes wander to any spot but your irises. I'm seeing red. I went to a diner once, a quarter and some change before midnight. The waitress kept calling me 'darlin' and filling my mug to the brim. The caffeine in my veins replaced all the people that leave me for each other. I'm seeing red. I told these kids that they were my friends, and I showed them a room in my heart to see if possibly they'd remodel it. They decided to break in one night, after hours, after I've gone to bed. Go

the probability of me falling in love given that my heart's a little worn was pretty close to .00057, but somehow you still stole my heart. i did some experiments to see if you & me were independent, and every time the results came out equal. you were always asking the right questions, and i was always interested in the way you seemed to make me shake. these white walls are making me weary, but somehow God's giving me sparks of hope in the strangers i meet. the gleam in their eyes are making me hug everyone i see. love. love. love. love instead. i've busted my side-view mirror twice now, and i keep running these reds. i tell them that it's

what they don't know is that i'm skin and bones. what they don't know is that this isn't my home. what they don't know is that - oh, that ash tray - it is mine. what they don't know is that i've got skeletons under my bed. what they don't know is that compassionate me doesn't believe in love. what they don't know is that i have reasons for my eyes wandering and my want to leave. what they don't know is that i can't stand it when anyone touches me. what they don't know is that i remember things i need to block out. what they don't know is that i don't know. what they don't know is that maybe i do know. i just don't trust.

oh father, won't you love me? i've even got a lei of flowers around my heart for you. oh father, won't you love me? i've even got cursive handwriting on a letter for you. oh father, won't you love me? i've even shaken out three words for you. oh father, won't you love me? i've even changed for you. oh father, won't you love me? i'm forty miles from home for you. oh father, won't you love me? i'm leaving for you.